1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:28,308 As God is my witness... 2 00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:32,274 ...I will never drive anyone in this family anyplace ever again. 3 00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:34,192 All I get from you are complaints. 4 00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:37,870 I think you kids are nuts. I didn't think it was scary. 5 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:51,276 Get some glasses, Dad. 6 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:55,356 For the thousandth time, I do not need glasses. 7 00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:57,073 You're overreacting. Ask anyone. 8 00:01:57,720 --> 00:01:59,199 Fine. Buck? 9 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:09,237 I'm telling you, I do not need glasses. 10 00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:13,035 My vision was checked in the fourth grade and it's perfect. 11 00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:15,638 Then how come you missed that big sign? 12 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:18,713 One sign. "Bridge and Zere Street." 13 00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:22,117 No, that was "bridge ends here," Dad. 14 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,315 Daddy, I have never been so scared in my life. 15 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:27,748 I thought I was gonna die. 16 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,554 Worse than that, I thought I was gonna die with my family. 17 00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:32,591 How uncool is that? 18 00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:34,751 We didn't go all the way into the river. 19 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:37,793 Close enough to hear the fish hacking. 20 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:41,397 Come on, Daddy, why don't you just break down and get some glasses. 21 00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:45,633 I mean, what are you afraid of? All it says is that you're blind and old. 22 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:48,199 Dad's not old. 23 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,789 I mean, he can still do everything he used to. 24 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:52,274 See him sitting there? 25 00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:56,189 Just like when we were babies. Way to go, Dad. 26 00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:58,158 And it never occurred to anyone here... 27 00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:01,397 ...that I read "bridge ends here" just fine and floored it anyway? 28 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:06,276 Now, I'm going to prove my prowess by reading TV Guide. 29 00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:14,278 "TV Guide." 30 00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:19,114 There. Any more doubters? 31 00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:20,435 Who's on the cover? 32 00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:28,035 Raymond Burr. 33 00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:31,559 It's Delta Burke, Dad. 34 00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:37,508 Raymond Burr, Delta Burke. 35 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:40,473 Tell me I'm the first one to make that mistake. 36 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:43,475 - Well... - Yeah. 37 00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:47,593 Now, where's my remote control? 38 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:56,110 Glasses, eh? 39 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,915 What the hell's wrong with this thing now? 40 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:08,828 You know, it doesn't seem right making fun of Dad without Mom. 41 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:12,828 Well, she was in a food coma when we left, so she should be awake soon. 42 00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:15,508 I'm hungry. 43 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:17,871 Yep, right on time. 44 00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:21,834 Well, I guess it's time for a trip on down to Cake and Cow. 45 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:27,072 Damn remote. Kids, get me some batteries while you're out. 46 00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:31,749 Hey, is... 47 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,475 Is...? Is Al busy? 48 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:41,230 He's been spending a lot of time thinking about... 49 00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:43,431 ...man's ultimate place in the universe. 50 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:55,036 He must be on a break. 51 00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:57,556 Hi, Al. I'm sorry to bother you. 52 00:04:57,760 --> 00:05:00,115 I thought maybe we'd catch a ball game or something. 53 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:02,311 I'm not allowed to watch sports at home. 54 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:05,353 Marcie feels it's a bad influence on the foetus. 55 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:08,632 - What's she watching? - Chippendales video. 56 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:15,233 There we go, sports. Good old American entertainment. 57 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,431 The problem with women is they'll watch anything. 58 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:18,914 - Yeah. - We're more selective. 59 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:20,758 - Right. Who's playing? - I don't know. 60 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,678 All right. 61 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:27,073 We'll be right back with our Cuban Little League game of the week. 62 00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:29,554 This could be good. 63 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:31,955 And don't forget to order our sports bloopers... 64 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:35,436 ...that weren't funny enough to mak e it on the 20 other tapes we sell. 65 00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:38,108 And now let's have our sports quiz for the day. 66 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:41,471 And the first caller with the correct answer wins $100. 67 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:44,593 A hundred bucks? Hey, Al, you know a lot about sports. 68 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:49,316 Maybe you could win the hundred and buy yourself a newer Dodge. 69 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:53,470 No chance. These questions are so obscure... 70 00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:56,240 ...you have to have no life whatsoever to get the answer. 71 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:59,034 Who played centre field for the Chicago White Sox... 72 00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:00,639 ...in the '59 World Series? 73 00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:02,717 Jim Landis. I know that. That's Jim Landis. 74 00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:05,673 The number is on the bottom of your screen. 75 00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:11,594 - "One-nine-oh-oh... Five-five..." - What's the matter, Al? 76 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:13,597 - Can't you see that? - Yes, I can see it. 77 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:15,916 There's too many damn numbers there. 78 00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:18,957 Nine-five-five... 79 00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:24,035 Hello. Jim Landis. 80 00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:26,834 No, I'm not Jim Landis. I'm answering the question. 81 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:28,359 Jim Landis. 82 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:31,472 What do you mean fish? Fish didn't play centre field. 83 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:34,148 Fish was a spin-off on Barney Miller. 84 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:38,791 Oh, that's ridiculous. Why would I call a fish store? 85 00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:42,070 - I think you got the wrong number. - No, I didn't. 86 00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:45,795 I saw those numbers just as plain as I see Bea Arthur's face on that TV. 87 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,468 That's Fidel Castro. 88 00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:51,633 That's an honest mistake. 89 00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:54,673 Nobody's answered our question yet. Someone should know this. 90 00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:57,838 We're gonna flash the number one more time. 91 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,313 - Got it. - Jim Landis. 92 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:07,637 Hold everything. We've got a winner. 93 00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:10,759 - My name? Jefferson D'Arcy. - That's my money. 94 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:14,748 I'm sorry, Al, you gotta be quicker. It's a young man's world. 95 00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:32,758 Daddy, what happened to our door? 96 00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:36,074 A young man went through it. 97 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:43,597 Daddy, what are you doing? 98 00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:46,633 What does it look like, honey? I'm watching TV. 99 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:48,876 Turn it off for a second. I wanna talk to you. 100 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:51,150 The sports question is about to come on. 101 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,430 This will only take a minute. 102 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,070 Now, I wanna talk to you about glasses. 103 00:07:58,320 --> 00:07:59,992 I don't need glasses. 104 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:03,909 No, Daddy, you do not want glasses. And I know why. 105 00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:06,350 You don't want glasses because you're vain. 106 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:09,677 Because you're feeling old and ugly. 107 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:16,029 You don't want to be called a four-eyes, a geek, an owl boy... 108 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:20,631 ...professor, dorko, Poindexter, Magoo... 109 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:23,673 - Let's see, what else? - Goofus. 110 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:26,713 No, that's more if your ears stick out. You know... 111 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:29,551 Go away. 112 00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:32,748 I'm not done yet, Dad. 113 00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:37,631 Now, let me tell you a little story about a boy I used to date in the fourth grade. 114 00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:39,273 He was very handsome. 115 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:42,392 A tight little butt, big blue bedroom eyes. 116 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:44,517 This was in the fourth grade? 117 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:47,355 Well, he was left back a year. 118 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:50,631 Hey, Dad, who played for the Celtics... 119 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:52,717 ...called the best sixth man in basketball? 120 00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:54,797 - Frank Ramsey. - Thanks, Dad. 121 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:57,390 Go ahead, pumpkin. 122 00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:00,071 Anyway, this guy was great. 123 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,794 He was the most popular boy in the school. 124 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:06,072 - And then one day, he got glasses. - And you liked him anyway. 125 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:09,319 God, no, I dumped him right away. 126 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:12,838 He looked like an idiot with glasses. Everybody laughed at him. 127 00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:14,439 Ruined his life. 128 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:17,757 I think he ended up in an institution or something. 129 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:21,751 It's a sad story, I guess. I don't know. 130 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:29,839 - Is there a point to all this? - Yes, there is. 131 00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:32,759 Now, if a guy who had everything to live for got glasses... 132 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:36,157 ...then there is certainly no reason for you not to. 133 00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:42,311 For to see is more important than to be. 134 00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:54,039 You're never leaving home, are you? 135 00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:57,191 I don't think so. 136 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:00,868 We have a winner. 137 00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:02,957 The answer to our quiz was Frank Ramsey. 138 00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:06,550 Congratulations today's winner, Bud Bundy. 139 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:18,957 Well, let's go out and get old Dad some glasses. 140 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,388 What for? 141 00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:24,354 So I can see the expression on your face when I'm choking you. 142 00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:41,509 - I can't. - No, you do have to. 143 00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:43,358 I don't wanna be a Poindexter. 144 00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:48,790 Relax, Dad. You know, plenty of cool guys wear glasses. 145 00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:51,391 I'm Wally. 146 00:10:57,080 --> 00:11:00,117 Please don't want me, I'm married. 147 00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:03,320 Good, then there's hope for my brother. 148 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:06,753 Now, Daddy, show him your prescription. 149 00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:17,109 Can you see me? 150 00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:19,278 Just give me some glasses. 151 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:21,599 Of course, sir. 152 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:27,272 You just go through our veritable myriad of hip and trendy frames. 153 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:31,433 Mine, for instance, are from our Casanova line. 154 00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:37,438 You know, I get more chicks than my friend who's a dry cleaner. 155 00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:42,957 Kids, listen. I need some help picking out my frames. 156 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:46,357 I'm afraid I may not know what cool is anymore. 157 00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:48,915 You lie. 158 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:54,990 I mean, the shirt, the pants and those shoes. 159 00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:57,919 Now surely, those are no accident. 160 00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:03,109 No, no, on clothes I'm confident, but I need help with the glasses. 161 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,197 See, I'm counting on you guys to help me... 162 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:07,630 ...pick out something cool yet understated. 163 00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:10,229 Count on us, big guy. 164 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:44,992 Buck... 165 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:50,912 ...may I present the man with the goo-goo-googly eyes... 166 00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:53,270 ...Specs Bundy. 167 00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:03,955 I can't believe how cool I look, eh, kids? 168 00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:07,273 Pretty proud moment, eh, Kel? 169 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:10,392 This is how the young Redenbachers must feel. 170 00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:13,158 Hey kids, watch this. 171 00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:15,157 TV Guide, s'il v ous plaît. 172 00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:23,793 There he is, big as life, Raymond Burr. 173 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,389 It's Delta Burke, Dad. 174 00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:30,755 Delta Burke, Raymond Burr, city of Seattle. What's the difference? 175 00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:35,080 Now, who wants to take a ride with Daddy in the car... 176 00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:38,192 ...and read some billboards from very long distance? 177 00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:42,399 Wow, you mean a chance to cruise in the dad-mobile? 178 00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:44,556 Listen, Dad, if we pick up on some chicks... 179 00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:50,039 ...will you put your sunglasses on and say, "You is one fine woman"? 180 00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:55,110 Yeah, I'll go too, Daddy, but only if we can cruise by some of my friends... 181 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:57,675 ...and you stick out your teeth like a horse and go: 182 00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:00,599 "Hi, girls, I'm Kelly's dad." 183 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:11,231 So you're suddenly ashamed to be seen with old Dad, huh? 184 00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:13,590 Well, I wouldn't say suddenly. 185 00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:16,991 You know, you people reek. 186 00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:20,954 What's bothering you is not that I have glasses, but that I'm happy. 187 00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:22,912 Well, get ready for a life of misery... 188 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:26,430 ...because I shall continue to be happy with my new twenty-twenty vision. 189 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,790 Now, I'm about to go out... 190 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:32,959 ...and partake of some of the beauty which our fair city affords us. 191 00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:37,438 If you need me, I'll be at the nudie bar. 192 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:48,196 Yeah, babe, well, I guess old Grandmaster B... 193 00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:50,675 ...can fit you into his schedule. 194 00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:56,794 Let's see, how's Friday at 9? 195 00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:59,468 Well, 10's okay too. 196 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,474 Well, look, it doesn't have to be Friday. 197 00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:08,552 Well, then it's settled. I'll call you again. 198 00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:10,433 Well... 199 00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:14,910 Well, do you have any idea when hell is supposed to freeze over? 200 00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:17,838 Hello? 201 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:24,638 There, there, Cross-dresser B. 202 00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:31,510 Real close, Kel. It's Grandmaster B. 203 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:35,151 I didn't mean to insult you, Grandpappy B... 204 00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:37,635 ...but I do have something that might cheer you up. 205 00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:41,278 You make customer of the week at the free clinic again? 206 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,837 You're quite a jester, Bell-ringer B. 207 00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:53,073 Anyhow, I was doing a little research... 208 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:56,511 Well, actually I was talking to the girls about how ugly you are. 209 00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,790 - and it came to light that Mother Nature... 210 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,514 ...has yet to play its cruellest joke on you. 211 00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:04,518 Now, we knew, way back when, when you were a baby... 212 00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:07,996 ...that you'd be like Dad and be bald when you're 20. 213 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:09,679 But guess what. 214 00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:13,634 Odds are you'll be blind and need glasses too. 215 00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:16,229 Now, just so you're not surprised when this happens... 216 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:19,955 ...we worked up a little computer composite of you at 30. 217 00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:30,318 You know, Kel, I'd draw a picture of you at 25... 218 00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:33,239 ...but I don't have a large enough piece of paper. 219 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:42,718 Thank God, Dad's home. That should end the cruelty in this house. 220 00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:45,310 How's it going, bottles? 221 00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:50,749 You know, kids, eyesight is a curse. 222 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,996 You can see everything. 223 00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:58,193 My car, for instance. Have you ever noticed how ugly Daddy's car is? 224 00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:01,350 Well, you gotta catch it on the right day. 225 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:04,028 You know, the sun glinting off the rust... 226 00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:08,119 ...the cloth that you use as a gas cap flapping gently in the wind... 227 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:11,437 ...as it's being proudly towed towards its destination. 228 00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:16,476 Yeah, well, try to explain my job. 229 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:18,113 Now let me tell you something... 230 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:21,357 ...people who work putting shoes on fat women who wear dresses... 231 00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:24,074 ...should not have twenty-twenty vision. 232 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:31,871 I saw things on human legs today... 233 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:35,629 ...that would have put a white flag in Schwarzkopf's hand. 234 00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:40,353 - And you know the worst part? - You actually saw your paycheque? 235 00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:47,633 Yeah. Yeah, but I sent it back, because it just can't be right. 236 00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:50,559 Anyhow, every day at 3:00... 237 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:53,035 ...I see this girl that works at the aerobics shop. 238 00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:55,310 You know, she flirts with me, I flirt with her. 239 00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:57,715 It's nothing, but it gets you through the day. 240 00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:01,910 Anyway, I always thought she was pretty, but today I saw her... 241 00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:04,236 ...and she's 40. 242 00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:08,549 I mean, 40. I mean, she's old. 243 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:10,472 But Dad, you're over 40. 244 00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:13,678 Yeah, but I'm a guy, so it's totally different, I mean... 245 00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:20,677 No, I mean, I can't believe it. She's not a girl. She's a woman. 246 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:22,797 Well, did she like your new glasses? 247 00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:25,952 Well, what the hell do I care what a 40-year-old woman thinks? 248 00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:29,996 Then I come home. 249 00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:34,354 Home? I mean, look at this place. 250 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:38,439 Look at that furniture, look... Look at that table. 251 00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:44,396 What the hell is this? 252 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:51,918 That... That's Mom, Dad. 253 00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:54,958 Oh, this is just too much. 254 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:02,275 And look at me. 255 00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:06,549 I got wrinkles. Now, I never saw those before. 256 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,511 What happened to the top of my head? 257 00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:17,195 I'm an old man. 258 00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:20,393 My life is really over. 259 00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:24,830 There. 260 00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:27,710 I feel better already. 261 00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:30,315 Al Bundy's back. 262 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:38,319 Where's my remote control? 263 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:48,876 You know, kids, this is a lesson. 264 00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:50,957 Now, I may not see too well. 265 00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:54,948 I may kill a few people on the streets and occasionally drive into a river... 266 00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:57,920 ...but it's better than looking stupid. 267 00:21:58,120 --> 00:21:59,599 You know something? 268 00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:02,109 I feel younger already. 269 00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:11,909 I didn't think there was this much action on Designing Women.